I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
