We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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