I like to think it a success when the cops are called
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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