Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
