So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
