There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
