My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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