it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
