I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
