I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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