Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
