your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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