I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
