my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
