I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize