she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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