you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
