wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
