I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
