I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She announced her abortion via fbk
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
