so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize