very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
