The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
