Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
