can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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