Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I want to fling myself into the sun
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
