just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
