Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
