Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
