I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
