At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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