I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
