This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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