Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
