I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
