You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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