Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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