Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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