Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Drake has all the answers
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
