I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
