I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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