3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
