Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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