If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
