Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
