i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
