the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
