So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
