I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
