Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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