Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
