some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize