I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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