Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
