I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
