I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
