I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
