I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
