??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
