What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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