No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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